My story is a long one so I’ll be succinct. We met in college as bf/gf with very strong connection. He suddenly left, we had very close emotional talk later, I learned what happened, but he didn’t return, altho reacted when he saw me.
Decades later I began thinking about him. I reached out after some time, and we immediately reconnected, many communications, then hot/cold/tender then mean, all in then no contact.
1+ years later he reached out, we reconnected slowly, it was different, changes, met for dinner, confusing for me (came in activated, throwing ?s at me), then we had such a tender time. Second dinner I was a little awkward, he sweet, showing me pictures etc, then I called, he he really became so rejecting thru body criticism (he was drunk) I told him later not ok, hot cold painful, then he lashed out & went no contact.
It’s very painful. We get very close then it ends in such a dramatic angry wayt. This is our 3rd separation now, after such a brief reconnection, with promise, both of us trying, and now no contact.
If any of you have thoughts, supportive comments, I’d really appreciate it. I still feel pain @ this (@ 4 weeks ago) and sadness that we can’t move beyond this. I do see some things I could have done differently. This time he mentioned his leaving me in college being something he can’t think @, as he blames himself so much. He told me previously he thinks @ that everyday, w regret. It’s sad, we’d discussed it but I don’t think he remembers. Thanks very much
I’m sorry you’re in such pain. To have him say things like “I think about how I left you everyday, and it’s hard to even think about” and then to run repeatedly is confusing and painful But the fact he spoke about how hard it is to get you off his mind, and then leaving/getting judgmental seems direct runner reaction to resist facing his own issues, which feelings for you dredge up. His anger is about him, not you. But for us “chasers/stayers”, who will eagerly do anything, learn everything, do any amount of work to grow the connection, it can feel like ultimate rejection/slap in the face when they do the direct opposite.
Speaking of judgment… the body-shaming?? NO. I’m so glad you stood up for yourself later and told him it was not okay.
I sometimes got the sense my TF was judging me, and without asking for context. But this helped me learn to rally confidence in myself and what I know the truth to be. I also see the issue wasn’t me, it was that he feels the need to judge. I’ve observed him judge/be mean to others online too, seemingly like people’s feelings cease to matter if he disagrees with them (I’m the complete opposite, those I disagree with are those I wish to understand the most ) So perhaps it’s part of his (and your TF) journey to learn empathy/compassion. Who knows.
Aside from a million hugs of support () it may offer comfort that, if you’ve done some degree of healing, you would not be happy with your TF as he is right now anyway. Unhealed, unable to stay present for you, or treat your feelings with respect and care. They have their own journey of lessons we have no control over. During this time, as hard as it is, our job is to take care of ourselves and become a shining light of self/unconditional love that helps show them the way home.
But even with healing, I think to feel love like this for someone, and to have them run, can cause pain no matter what. I hope you will update sometime and hope today is much nicer for you
Dear StarGirl, thank you so much for your kind note. It’s lovely to feel connected, especially in the face of this disconnection. I appreciate your perspective with your TF. I think i am meant to build more confidence in myself @ that, and you’re right, I could not be in a relationship like that. Still, I love him and the sudden no contact is also very difficult for me. In the past I’d send an email here & there, but I’d rather not do that this time.
Of course, I’d love to keep you updated, and thank you again!
@gigigirl, I feel your pain and I’m sorry that you are currently going through separation with your TF. My TF and I are also currently going through a period of pause and separation; I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas and his silence is as confusing as it is painful.
My advice would be to focus your energy on things that make you happy. I know how hard it is to distract your mind from overthinking, but doing little things that bring you joy, or spending time with friends and family, have definitely helped me.
I guess something I have always struggled with is self love and knowing my worth. They are issues I am working on.
One day at a time. I can’t promise that it’ll get easier; it can be such a roller coaster sometimes. There will be days that you feel fine and good, and the next day it takes a 180 degree turn. Baby steps, dear friends
I hear the depth of pain you’re feeling from this third separation. It’s particularly difficult when you get those moments of tender connection (like your dinners together) only to have it end so abruptly. The fact that he still carries such heavy regret about leaving in college speaks volumes about how meaningful this connection is to him too.
His criticism and lashing out when drunk isn’t okay, regardless of any inner struggles he’s facing. You did the right thing by telling him that wasn’t acceptable. These sudden switches from sweet to rejecting are incredibly confusing and hurtful to experience.
From what you’ve shared, it seems like when you get close, it brings up all his unprocessed feelings and guilt, leading him to push away what he most wants. But please know this pattern isn’t about your worth - it’s about his own healing journey that only he can walk.
The pain you’re feeling 4 weeks later is completely valid. Having someone repeatedly come close then pull away can shake us to our core. Know that many twins go through multiple separations as part of their path. While that doesn’t make it hurt any less, you’re not alone in navigating these intense waters.
How are you holding up day to day? Sometimes just having space to share what we’re going through can help lighten the load a bit.
Hi, thanks so much for your kind replies. I feel grief. I realize these cycles are all similar to our time in college, deep connection then abrupt leaving. I’ve been holding onto a desire to mend this, to explain that time to him, as he doesn’t remember it correctly. I realize now tho that I can’t keep holding onto that at my own expense. And I alone can’t change this pattern we experience. It’s hard, when I texted after the first angry call, I called days later to discuss. Mistake. Angry lashing out conversation #2. He said that I bring out the worst in him, he doesn’t behave this badly with anyone else, he doesn’t like to think about how he behaved in college and other things he’s done, he’s focused on the positive now and wants to move on. He’s done. I then responded trying to explain my perspective (softer). Then brisk response “ok, but we’re done, right?. I just want you to understand I won’t be in contact for some time. I need to move on”. The end.
Your kindness means a lot. I don’t feel much hope right now, or a desire for a redo. Maybe that’s ok.
When someone carries that much guilt about the past (him saying he thinks about leaving you in college every day), it creates a pattern where they desperately want to reconnect but then self-sabotage because they don’t feel worthy. I went through something similar where my person would get close, then lash out with criticism and anger when things got too intimate, because their own shame was triggering them.
Until they do their own inner work around forgiving themselves, this cycle tends to repeat no matter how understanding or patient we try to be. Sending you strength - it hurts when you can see the potential for healing but they’re not ready to face those deeper wounds yet.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this painful third separation. I understand how challenging this can be, and I want to share what has helped me.
The biggest thing is “just” to focus on your own energy. I know it’s really hard, but when I was too focused on the physical connection with my twin, it actually created more distance. What helped me was bringing my attention back to my own inner peace and balance.
Then it’s all about letting go of trying to control everything. It’s scary, but when I finally allowed myself to trust the process and stopped trying to force specific outcomes, things started shifting. This meant I had to step back from viewing it as a typical relationship and trust in the deeper purpose.
And don’t be too hard on yourself about needing to heal everything right now. I’ve discovered that it’s less about healing and more about shifting our perspective. You are already complete as you are, and so is he. This journey is really about moving from fear into love.
~Oh honey~, I’ve been exactly where you are with that painful back and forth, and what helped me most was realizing that his deep guilt about the college years is like a wound that keeps reopening. Until he forgives himself, he’ll keep getting close and then running away when it feels too real.
Just as a caterpillar must endure the darkness of its cocoon before emerging transformed, your twin’s deep regret about the college separation seems to be the chrysalis he’s still struggling to break free from, and until he does that inner work to forgive himself, this pattern of drawing close then pulling away in shame may continue to repeat.
I understand the pain of separation, but remember that this time can be used for self-growth and healing. Focus on what brings you peace and joy independently, while maintaining healthy boundaries.
My twin did something similar where the closer we got, the more his past regrets would surface as harsh criticism and withdrawal. Sometimes, the kindest thing we can do is step back and let them work through their shame in their own time while we focus on healing our own wounds from these repeated separations.
This sentence sums up the journey for me, it was great seeing it written down in such a simple sentence.
I read your comment twice as it really lifted me. You have put, what is such a complex journey, into a few non-emotional but resonating sentences. Thank you for it.
You know what drives me crazy? That disconnect between knowing something logically but still feeling completely overwhelmed by emotions. My brain says ‘you’ve got this’ while my heart is in total meltdown mode. Learning to actually sit with those feelings instead of fighting them or drowning in them has transformed how I manage the intense waves that come with this journey.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this painful separation.
I know it hurts, especially when the connection feels so promising and then shifts dramatically. I’ve been there.
The pain you’re feeling is real, and it’s okay to feel it. But remember that each separation, as difficult as it is, creates an opportunity for deeper healing and growth. Patience really is key - this isn’t like regular relationships, and it can’t be rushed or forced.
But the fact he spoke about how hard it is to get you off his mind, and then leaving/getting judgmental seems direct runner reaction to resist facing his own issues, which feelings for you dredge up. His anger is about him, not you. But for us “chasers/stayers”, who will eagerly do anything, learn everything, do any amount of work to grow the connection, it can feel like ultimate rejection/slap in the face when they do the direct opposite.
) So perhaps it’s part of his (and your TF) journey to learn empathy/compassion. Who knows.
