So I came across information lately that pinpoints Engulfment being the main fear for many DM’s/runners (vs Abandonment for Chasers).
Most seem to apply to my runner. Especially making me feel like I’m putting some kind of burden on him when I share feelings below surface level (which my father absolutely did, so trauma trigger for me), when I’m really just seeking to share my authentic self and connect.
Can anyone else relate? It certainly helps me understand quite a bit, which in turn helps give me further understanding into my own issues
Signs of Fearing Engulfment
Ambivalence or avoidance
Fear that kindness and love have strings attached
Suffocated by affection
Keeping others at an arms distance
Feel like they are being intruded on even in healthy relationships
Exhaustion when a partner shares emotions or other needs
Want to flee when things get hard for their partner out of fear of becoming their caretaker
Assume that they will not be heard or seen
Fears of exploitation and deprivation
Intimacy feels like a trap
Desire to have more than one relationship vs. committing to just one person
Based on my own understanding of twin flame dynamics, fear of engulfment is common among runners but might not be universal. The root typically goes deeper - to childhood experiences and past emotional wounds.
From what you’ve shared, it seems your twin is displaying classic signs of engulfment fear: the emotional distancing, feeling burdened by emotional sharing, and resistance to deeper intimacy. It could stem from having experienced emotional overwhelm or having their boundaries violated in early life.
However, it’s valuable to understand that this isn’t about you or your emotional expression. Your twin’s reaction is coming from their own unhealed wounds and protective patterns. Just as you noted your own trigger around burdening others (connected to your father), your twin likely has similar deep-seated patterns they’re working through.
The signs you’ve listed are spot-on indicators of engulfment fear. But I’d add that for twin flames specifically, the intensity of the connection itself can amplify these fears. The profound soul-level recognition can feel threatening to someone who’s built strong defensive walls.
Fear-based energy operates at such a deep,deep, deeeeeep subconscious level, making runners resist anything that feels like it might control them or make them lose their sense of self.
While I wouldn’t say ALL runners fear engulfment, it’s a recurring theme I’ve seen. It’s part of that classic push-pull dynamic that many of us experience. These patterns run deep, beneath the surface of conscious awareness.
When my twin would share deep emotions or seek closeness, I could feel that primal fear rising up in my solar plexus - that terror of losing myself, of being consumed by their energy. It was about my own wounded inner child who never learned it was safe to be vulnerable and connect energetically with another soul. ~Trust the process~, as you learn to move with these fears rather than run from them.
I now understand why my twin’s past relationships ended so abruptly. Seeing their pattern of pushing people away when intimacy deepens has illuminated the deep fear of engulfment that lurks beneath the surface. It’s like watching a mirror of my own journey, where I’ve had to learn that what appears as coldness or rejection is often just their soul’s desperate attempt to maintain boundaries they never learned to set healthily in childhood.
Not all runners fear engulfment. Some actually fear success and union more than being consumed by the connection, but I can deeply relate to that feeling of emotional exhaustion you described when someone tries to share their deeper feelings.
I don’t think he doesn’t care, but sometimes even a simple ‘how was your day?’ it seems he thinks I’m about to dump a truck of emotions on him and he tenses. The engulfment fear shows up differently for everyone, but for him it manifests as this weird paradox.
My two cents: as someone who’s been both the runner and chaser at different points, I’ve noticed that my fear of engulfment wasn’t just about losing myself in the connection, but actually stemmed from my own inability to maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.
When my TF would share deep emotions, I’d feel this overwhelming urge to fix everything for them (probably from my childhood role as the family peacekeeper). Then I’d panic and pull away because I felt responsible for their happiness. Learning to say ‘I hear you’ instead of trying to solve everything changed everything for me, as it helped me stay present without feeling swallowed whole by the connection.
I’ve experienced similar patterns in my journey, but I’ve come to understand that the ‘runner/chaser’ dynamic isn’t as simple as fearing engulfment. I think that what we often label as running or chasing is part of a deeper, energetic exchange.
While fear of engulfment can definitely be present (I’ve felt those fears myself), I’ve discovered that it’s more about our internal struggles manifesting through our interactions.
My runner would literally get this glazed look whenever I tried to open up, and I used to think something was wrong with me??? I saw them do the same thing with their family - they’d literally walk out of the room when emotions got too intense!!! It’s like their emotional cup is already so full that even a drop more feels like drowning and understanding this helped me stop taking it so personally!!!
While engulfment fear is common, it’s not universal among runners - some people actually crave deep connection but run due to fear of their own intensity or unworthiness instead.