And then a week later sent me an intense email asking what I wanted from him…. I guess he forgot my text (he has been dealing w substance use) … the tone triggered me - it seemed angry. It’s been pretty quiet since, I did email him a few days ago as I learned my father has limited time, and I asked for good thoughts. then I felt the cringe. We’ll see. The inconsistent communication is hard. Thank you all so much 
I appreciate your responses; I feel a part of this community.
Thank you 
much appreciated
I’m so with you. I’ve reached out so many times in indirect ways he might not see and still felt immense embarrassment.
And if you check out my TF story thread, I JUST messaged him directly. But now, I’ve healed enough I can handle that embarrassment much better. Mostly because I have compassion for myself now. Its HARD to be the DF, dealing with someone who treats us poorly. We’re constantly dealing with not only our feelings, but worrying about theirs, when they seem to just not give a fig how they speak to us. It’s actually a tremendous accomplishment to behave so kind and caring for this person, when you’re feeling so triggered. And of course, sometimes things are said perfectly, or you’ll say things you regret. You’re human!
And really… look at HIS uncaring response to you. HE should be embarrassed, not you. Draw your energy back from him and give it to yourself, because if you continue he’ll continue to take your attention and caring “for free” and never give back. Also, you actually help him by doing this. Because eventually when he misses that energy, he’ll be forced to reflect on how he treated you and heal those things and become a happier, more whole person.
I am sorry you’re having such a hard time. But I think you’re amazing for having the guts to message him 
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I will look at your TF story thread! Thank you for your kind response - I agree with your comment about energy and thank you for the support around messaging - it’s so hard sometimes. 
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Its insanely hard all the time! lol 
Just wanted to add if you zero in on the healing work the situation is calling you to do, it will lesson the emotional pain. You’ll then have another round, and another, until all your traumas are healed and he begins to matter less to you (but the connection of love remains).
For me some ways I seek the root trauma behind my pain when my TF is just an uncaring jerk are to ask myself:
Q: How does it make me feel (using my own experience as an example) when he doesn’t respond to me, or if he does, is in a hurtful tone or wording?
A: I Feel unimportant to him and misunderstood. If I could just get him to understand, but he doesn’t seem to even listen.
THEN
Q: Have there been other times in my life where I felt unseen, ignored, and uncared for?
A; Yes, my father made me feel that way growing up. I also had trouble with kids in school, friends, and lovers doing the same.
THEN
Q: (Focusing on the father as parents are often the root cause) What is the earliest memory I have of my father making me feel that way?
A: When I was 3, I’d try to play with my dad, but he got angry and dismissive if I tried. My mother said he was quitting smoking and was on edge and to not bother him. I just wanted to play because I loved him, I didn’t mean to be a bother.
THEN
You imagine that memory in as much detail as possible. Stay by your child self, and let yourself feel fully what she’s feeling. Don’t try to hinder or block the pain, which is likely pretty high. Now ask yourself:
Q: “What did I need in this situation, or wished had happened, to make me feel happy afterwards?”
A: “ Love. A Hug. Someone to tell me I’m not a bother, that I’m wanted, and that my dad would play with me if he didn’t have his own issues to deal with. That his behavior was not my fault. I would also tell my child self that I’d be happy to play with her.
Then you imagine your present self going to your child self and give her ALL of that, x10. If done correctly and you allow all the emotions that arise to flow through you, the same situation will bother you less, or not at all, when it happens again, because that root trauma is being healed.
The way I dealt with it was by giving myself compassion, love,
And truly, when you look at your child self a separate person… is that little girl a bother? Does she deserve to live the rest of her life thinking she is?
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Hi @anon99473393 - that’s kind of you! Yes, it’s been pretty intense, the things this has kicked up. My father was very unpredictable, could suddenly rage and blame others. This same behavior from TF trigger that early reaction (fear, what have I done), etc. and yes, you’re right, each time learning more, practicing more (and thinking, wow, do I need this?) I do feel calmer in the current separation. Thank you so much!
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