Hello, guys… How are you? I hope everything is smooth sailing for you all.
You know, I’m contemplating whether it is wise or not to write this topic for a few days because actually I just need some shoulder to lean on. So, this past week or two, I feel so physically drained and mentally exhausted. I feel confused and somehow empty, often feeling sad and sorrowful when I woke up in the morning. Honestly, I have no idea why that’s happen.
And then, in the midst of these roller coaster, some trigger show up in the form of:
- A coworker (F) share a video on her WhatsApp updates, the content of the video is about a different religion couple that choose friendship in the end and the video title is “Don’t take him away from his God”. At first, I wonder why she shared that. In my point of view, somehow she is too eager and overly curious about my TF and at some point show her dislike when she know we have a relationship. But, apparently those video only being shared to me, because my friend can’t see the update. Clearly, I feel being low-key offended by that.
- Another day, another co-worker (F) coming in my way when I am in a rush to the school conference room, because I have an appointment with my students that coming back from their internship program, she said, “You don’t have anyone that care about you anymore, pay attention to what you eat.” And I say thank you, and start to leave, but she stopped me and then said “So, how is it, what 's him (my TF) up to? I see his WhatsApp update, he seem on a cloud nine.” I said that I don’t know because I never see his update ( nor contact him, nor try to talk to him, but I keep this part for myself), I think the conversation is over but she add with some cynical tones, “Well, it is me telling you now.” And I like stunned and speechless. Like, “why? Why? Why?”. What’s that?? What did I do?
- A few days after that, another female coworker, so it is three different person, suddenly coming up to me and mockingly said, “Looks like the ‘one’ there (my TF) has a barbecue sort of thing with , don’t you being invited?” I answer “No”. Guys, I can’t
. She is one of the people who stir the pot, she know that I and my TF fought then broke up last year. She even coerce me to block my TF contact, so that my TF doesn’t have any access to me anymore. - Then, when I talk to my spiritual teacher, he said that if out of nowhere I want to see my TF update, just go see it, no need to be afraid. Maybe there is some clarity there, so I could decide to re-wire myself or cut the TF bond, because if I still love my TF, it would be difficult for me to love somebody else. In short, I feel like being told to do everything so that I could move on. I call my teacher because I need some guidance, but I end up feeling more confused and lost. The conversation triggered my sense of ‘never being enough’. Like, my twin decided that we can’t be together, of course it’s hurt and hard, but I understand and accept the circumstances. I keep myself in no contact zone for my own sake and sanity, so I could focus on myself. We know normally this no contact technique work well in normal relationship, but in TF connection, well…
. So, I keep questioning myself, why for other people what I’ve done never be enough? I already keep myself in my line with utmost willpower that I have, but still I can’t oversee my natural body and soul reaction to him. - Today, my mother call me, at the beginning we just talk about my brother plan to buy a house, but he still consider the best option for his family. I told my mother to let my brother decide on his own, he know what kind environment they like and need. But somehow my mother could connect those topic to my choice of partner slash my TF, and said, “You’re right, like you and <insert my TF’s name> not meant (fated/destined–this is the term that usually used in my country) to be, buying property is similar to that”. Please mind that my parents even find someone to cut the cord between me and my TF.
For God’s sake, that’s it, I fed up, truly fed up. Automatically, I looked up and said to the higher up, “Is it needed? These stuff, Is it necessary? You happy now?”. Well, suddenly I got goosebumps. Lately, there are a lot of energy shifting. Perhaps, I got too sensitive but I simply don’t want to do anything or to think anything, I’m simply beaten.
I believe that our soul there, in 5D, doing well right now. Even though, in all direction I see in 3D, there seems no movement at all, but I could wholeheartedly say that it’s okay, it doesn’t matter, although I don’t quite understand why the people outside the connection feel restless. I’ll keep my positive attitude and think that they care about me, albeit some of their action doesn’t quite add up.
So, I think this is the end of my longer and longer rant (topic) in this forum today. I wish for the best for you all fellow TF.
May this journey be a blessing for us all.