After a year of not seeing him except as he drove by me once last year, I have seen him twice now this year, Easter weekend and mothers day. So last sunday.
During the easter egg hunt in the town next to ours, i was surprised to see him several feet away. I had longed for/dreaded the day when we would see one another after so long. Would I freeze? Would I turn to stone from freezing so hard? Cry? Avoid him? Walk the other direction?
He saw me before I noticed him. Usually I feel him before I see him. Or a quiet voice tells me hes near. Not this time. I just looked up and there he was several feet away watching me.
Just staring at me intensively. I tried to ignore him and not react and pretend I didnt see him but everytime I stole a glance in his direction, his stare was still fixed on me. I was surprised with how calm I was.
Shortly after, me and my family left the event. My husband was angry that my twin was there so he just wanted to leave. So once our kids were done looking for eggs, we left.
The next 3 days, my twins energy was so incredibly loud. So loud! Something compelled me to purchase and watch “Hancock”. Such a sad yet beautiful way to love someone.
I felt I recieved validation and comfort from seeing my twin after a year of silence. Im still blocked on everything. Before running into him the synchronizations were loud for days leading up to it. Lots of 11:11 and seeing his name everywhere. But connecting with him with just him looking at me, communicated to me, he feels the connection too. Maybe he doesnt know why or how. But he feels it. As he intensively stared at me, he looked a bit mad too. I have felt lots of sadness and some anger from him since our seperation over a year ago.
I had a huge moment of clarity. And i think by doing so, i allowed a shift to happen. Ive been angry and blaming him and repeatedly saying for the past year “i didnt ask for this. Hes effed up every part of my life…” ive pushed, denied and tried to block the connection and energy for the longest time. And it hit me, thats why he blocks me in the 3d. So since realizing that, I have gained acceptance for the connection and let him in.
Fast forward to last weekend, mothers day. I got up around 1:30pm to go sit at the grocery pick up for my groceries. While sitting there, I felt it. That feeling when hes near.
All of a sudden, time stood still. All noise stopped. I was playing music in my car but i could hear nothing. It was like something out of a movie.
I was also looking right where I needed to be. Out my window to my left, I saw the bright shine come off his orange sunglasses. And his vehicle. He also had his window down like i did. It was like he noticed me when i noticed him because all of a sudden he turned his head in my direction and we just sat there staring at one another. Normally if I am nervous or want to avoid seeing someone i will pretend they arent there or look away.
This time I couldnt. Nor did i want to. I felt locked or frozen in this stare with him. For a second I couldnt see him anymore. Just myself looking at him. As if i was seeing me, through his eyes. We just sat there staring not breaking eye contact despite us both having sun glasses on . It felt like several minutes we sat like that but in reality it was probably only 30-60 seconds.
Then he suddenly turned his head and drove away. A wave of sadness washed over me and I silently cried in my seat. Then drove home too.
I was doing really well before that. Since then I’ve been sad all week. I woke up this morning, forcing myself to shake it off. Its lingering but i feel a bit better.
At this time, I dont know what is worse, seeing him or not seeing him. The grief feels the same.
So I was just curious, anyone that’s recently ran into or seen their twin but no verbal interaction, what it was like for you. What did you feel before and after? What was their reaction to you?
Not to compare just to commiserate, I guess. 
. You know how this journey can be sometimes.