I have been in a deep state of grief for a year now since my twin ran. For months, before separation, I had no idea what we were or why we had the bond and connection we had. Weird unexplained things started to happen. He was feeling my energy shifts and mood changes and randomly calling or texting me asking if i was okay. I would be perplexed cause i had no idea how he could know anything was wrong, when in fact upon him asking, I was indeed sad about something. But how could he have known that I wondered? Then it started happening to me, sometime later. I was being able to feel his energy and mood shifts as well. I could hear him sometimes without him even saying a word. Then later when the soul shock happened, for months I thought I was just experiencing a friendship break up and wasnt handling it well at all. I was falling apart out of no where, every single day. It made no sense. He was only in my life for 7 months. I have had ppl walk out of my life before. I have had friendships end. I have stopped working with ppl before that I really vibed with but still never spoke to again and functioned just fine when all these various relationships ended. For months I cried daily. Not understanding why he just disappeared from my life one day. There was no fight, no argument. He just left me. He blocked me on everything. I would try to reach out and he would block all the numbers. I couldnāt take the pain anymore a few months ago. Finally got the courage to call, asked him if we could talk. He said, ānoā and hung up on me. By this time, I had gone researching why I couldnāt get over him. Why i couldnāt accept why he didnt want to be my friend anymore. Nothing I found in relation to limerance or friendship loss fit what I was going through. Seeing his name everywhere, feeling as if he was following me around energetically, being unable to remove him from my system no matter how hard I tried, him constantly in my dreams. So something woke me up one day and told me to look into shared souls or twin souls. I have never heard of it. But when I started to look into it, it was like ding! This! This is exactly what i have been going through! Shortly after i had my spiritual awakening. And realized all those months of in a deep state of grief and feeling lost was me going through the dark night of the soul and still several over the past year. Im in another one right now.
I had been fine the last 3 weeks. I thought i had finally balanced the energy and wasnāt letting him consume me anymore. I was thinking about him so much less. The dreams were becoming even more constant but i was ignoring them the best i could. Then last weekend, i felt a shift and i knew what was comingā¦ i fell to the floor yet again last night for the millionth time and sobbed uncontrollably.
At this point, I dont want to want to see him or talk to to him again. I donāt want this soul tie. I dont want him entwined within me and him following me around energetically or feeling his emotions. I dont want any of it anymore. I just want my life back. I just want the pain to stop. As i sobbed last night, i just begged God over and over to just take the pain away. I dont want it. No matter how hard i try to focus on me, meditate, journal, listen and read mindful podcast, books etc, focus on healing, do all the thingsā¦ it doesnt last long trying to run from this before it engulfs me again and takes me under. Im to the point where death is imminent cause maybe then the pain will stop.
To think like that hurts me so deeply. I have kids. I am married to an amazing soul mate and i choose him. And we have been happily married for 4 years and together for 12. My twin is happily married with kids as well. This connection and soul tie to him has effed up every corner of my life. Him, i dont know. Maybe him too. We have been in seperation for a year now so idk. I know i cry alot more than i ever have in my life and i dont cry alot usually so when the pain doesnt feel like mine, it makes me wonder if hes just always sad or atleast quite alot. Sometimes the sadness washes over me so deeply i am sobbing uncontrollably on my bedroom floor or shower floor for hours. My husband is trying. He loves and comforts me and tries to understand but this is driving a wedge between us, this soul tie to my twin cause my husband has watched his wife become a shell of herself. Im not the same person i was a year ago. He loves me through it and gives me all the love. But i know this hurts him. He has had nightmares and hes worried i wont want him one day.
I just want my life back. I want to recognize who i am when i look in the mirror. I want this pain to stop. I want him wiped from my system and memory. The only beautiful thing that came out of him gravitating towards me in this lifetime is he was the catalyst to my spiritual awakening and returning me to the source but other than that, I have never been more miserable and sad and cried this much in my entire life like I have this past year.
I just need the pain to stop. I dont want union with him. Take soul tie out of it, for a sec, i used to really just want my friend back. But if this pain soul tie or not is the costā¦I just want the pain to stop. I NEED the pain to stop. And i dont mean stop or lessen for a few days or a few weeks and then come back full force as if with a vengeance cause how dare I try my hardest to forget him and move on. No i need the pain to stop for good.