I dont want him back in my life anymore. I just want the pain to stop

I have been in a deep state of grief for a year now since my twin ran. For months, before separation, I had no idea what we were or why we had the bond and connection we had. Weird unexplained things started to happen. He was feeling my energy shifts and mood changes and randomly calling or texting me asking if i was okay. I would be perplexed cause i had no idea how he could know anything was wrong, when in fact upon him asking, I was indeed sad about something. But how could he have known that I wondered? Then it started happening to me, sometime later. I was being able to feel his energy and mood shifts as well. I could hear him sometimes without him even saying a word. Then later when the soul shock happened, for months I thought I was just experiencing a friendship break up and wasnt handling it well at all. I was falling apart out of no where, every single day. It made no sense. He was only in my life for 7 months. I have had ppl walk out of my life before. I have had friendships end. I have stopped working with ppl before that I really vibed with but still never spoke to again and functioned just fine when all these various relationships ended. For months I cried daily. Not understanding why he just disappeared from my life one day. There was no fight, no argument. He just left me. He blocked me on everything. I would try to reach out and he would block all the numbers. I couldnā€™t take the pain anymore a few months ago. Finally got the courage to call, asked him if we could talk. He said, ā€œnoā€ and hung up on me. By this time, I had gone researching why I couldnā€™t get over him. Why i couldnā€™t accept why he didnt want to be my friend anymore. Nothing I found in relation to limerance or friendship loss fit what I was going through. Seeing his name everywhere, feeling as if he was following me around energetically, being unable to remove him from my system no matter how hard I tried, him constantly in my dreams. So something woke me up one day and told me to look into shared souls or twin souls. I have never heard of it. But when I started to look into it, it was like ding! This! This is exactly what i have been going through! Shortly after i had my spiritual awakening. And realized all those months of in a deep state of grief and feeling lost was me going through the dark night of the soul and still several over the past year. Im in another one right now.

I had been fine the last 3 weeks. I thought i had finally balanced the energy and wasnā€™t letting him consume me anymore. I was thinking about him so much less. The dreams were becoming even more constant but i was ignoring them the best i could. Then last weekend, i felt a shift and i knew what was comingā€¦ i fell to the floor yet again last night for the millionth time and sobbed uncontrollably.

At this point, I dont want to want to see him or talk to to him again. I donā€™t want this soul tie. I dont want him entwined within me and him following me around energetically or feeling his emotions. I dont want any of it anymore. I just want my life back. I just want the pain to stop. As i sobbed last night, i just begged God over and over to just take the pain away. I dont want it. No matter how hard i try to focus on me, meditate, journal, listen and read mindful podcast, books etc, focus on healing, do all the thingsā€¦ it doesnt last long trying to run from this before it engulfs me again and takes me under. Im to the point where death is imminent cause maybe then the pain will stop.

To think like that hurts me so deeply. I have kids. I am married to an amazing soul mate and i choose him. And we have been happily married for 4 years and together for 12. My twin is happily married with kids as well. This connection and soul tie to him has effed up every corner of my life. Him, i dont know. Maybe him too. We have been in seperation for a year now so idk. I know i cry alot more than i ever have in my life and i dont cry alot usually so when the pain doesnt feel like mine, it makes me wonder if hes just always sad or atleast quite alot. Sometimes the sadness washes over me so deeply i am sobbing uncontrollably on my bedroom floor or shower floor for hours. My husband is trying. He loves and comforts me and tries to understand but this is driving a wedge between us, this soul tie to my twin cause my husband has watched his wife become a shell of herself. Im not the same person i was a year ago. He loves me through it and gives me all the love. But i know this hurts him. He has had nightmares and hes worried i wont want him one day.

I just want my life back. I want to recognize who i am when i look in the mirror. I want this pain to stop. I want him wiped from my system and memory. The only beautiful thing that came out of him gravitating towards me in this lifetime is he was the catalyst to my spiritual awakening and returning me to the source but other than that, I have never been more miserable and sad and cried this much in my entire life like I have this past year.

I just need the pain to stop. I dont want union with him. Take soul tie out of it, for a sec, i used to really just want my friend back. But if this pain soul tie or not is the costā€¦I just want the pain to stop. I NEED the pain to stop. And i dont mean stop or lessen for a few days or a few weeks and then come back full force as if with a vengeance cause how dare I try my hardest to forget him and move on. No i need the pain to stop for good.

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Chart Your Path to Union
The path to union can feel lonely, confusing and downright painful.

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Iā€™ve been exactly where you are, feeling that deep pain and desperately wanting it to stop.

What helped me was fully accepting that the connection exists, but consciously choosing to focus my energy elsewhere - on my family, my passions, and my own growth - which slowly but surely eased the intensity over time.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Wishing you (and your journey) the best :adhesive_bandage: :heart_decoration:

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I am already doing that. Thats probably why i felt really good for a solid 3 weeks because i chose acceptance and to not let any of it get to me or consume me. To just wake up everyday and consciously accept that this, him and this connection isnt going anywhere. I accepted it and for three glorious weeks i felt a bit more like me again. I stay busy every day and put my energy elsewhere , i consciously try all of that everyday.

Im not trying to sound harsh and like i dont appreciate the reach out and advice, but im beyond tired of the same recycled advice everyone gives one another on this journey. Its so generic and lacks genuine feeling at this point. It doesnt help at all to just tell someone to focus on or love themselves. Especially when the person suffering has already been working so hard at doing that. Has several more rough days and cant take it anymore only to be met with " You gotta focus on you. You gotta love yourself. " .

Thank you for your words but it doesnt help and its the same thing i have been told for a year now. I do all the things. Every single day. And rhe roufh says still hit llike like a title wave of bricks. I go to the gym regularly, i go out with friends, i spend time in nature, i am extremely busy anf focused all day at work, i do fun things with my husband and kids, read, dance, listen to music, podcast etc., meditate, seek out spiritual guidance, take vitamins and medication to help stablize my mood. Etc etc etc. And still its 2 steps forward and 3 agonizing steps back.

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ā€˜The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow.ā€™

While the journey is tough, embracing the pain and using it as motivation to become your best self is the surest path to healing, whether reunion occurs or not.

Your story really got to me. And I absolutely get that you want it to just ā€˜go awayā€™. I have howled and begged for that many times during separation. The pain is so insane and crippling and totally irrational. Sharing it with others is futile as there is just a vacant look of ā€˜sheā€™s now gone insaneā€™, so mainly thatā€™s a no go. It is quite amazing that you have shared this with your husband, I hope doing this will ultimately make your relationship with him stronger, and you can keep checking in with him on how your journey is progressing.

There is definitely a super-raw, angry and despairing phase to separation that isnā€™t helped by any soothing words. Each twin flame journey is so unique, I am very grateful that people are sharing and your story in particular really touched me (and made me quite sad).

You have read up on whatā€™s required in separation and what you ought to do, you are clearly an intelligent and ā€˜togetherā€™ person and know people mean well when they wish you healing and personal growth. I genuinely hope your pain subsides soon and you can get to longer periods of ā€˜acceptanceā€™ soon. I hope to hear from you again and that then you are doing much better. Much love!

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You are probably the first person to say something new, refreshing and resonating since i have been on this agonizing journey of growth. Thank you so so much. I needed to hear those words. Thank you :heart:

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I donā€™t believe youā€™re harsh. I think you are being genuine and honest.

And Iā€™ll be the first to say it. This community tends to focus far more on using sipirtual practices and beliefs as a crutch, rather than giving advice thatā€™s genuinely helpful and can actually make a difference on someoneā€™s journey.

Heck, many spiritual leaders have even called out this practice, giving it nicknames like ā€œnovocane spiritualityā€.

So Iā€™m going to be straight with you. The pain of separation from your twin doesnā€™t ever fully end or go away. You just become more used to it, and accepting of it.

Itā€™s like having an arm or a leg broken multiple times. It might hurt the first few times, but eventually, the pain does not affect you as badly anymore, because youā€™re used to it.

There is no magic pill or elixir thatā€™s going to fix this. Itā€™s something you have to live with.

All you can do is to continue moving forward, one day at a time. Because sometimes the key to overcoming obstacles isnā€™t to shrink them, but to grow as a person.

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Thank you for this. I needed to hear this too. Thank you. :pray:t6:

The pain youā€™re feeling is real and valid, but it doesnā€™t have to be permanent. Your twin flame can be your anchor through this storm, offering a lifeline of love and support as you navigate these turbulent emotions.

Trust in the journey and yourself. Focus on nurturing your existing connections, and know that with time and patience, the intensity of this pain will subside, allowing you to reclaim your life and find peace within yourself once more.

I appreciate your response and words but how exactly can someone that wont talk to me or acknowledge my existence be my anchor? We have been in seperation for almost a year. He seems perfectly happy with never speaking to me again let alone be my friend. How can anyone be an anchor that wants nothing to do with you?

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Iā€™m so sorry youā€™re in such pain. I completely understand :frowning: MY TFā€™s complete lack of care rips my heart to shreds. On top of that, we have some kind of super strong crazy telepathic sex link (made a thread on it) that was wonderful when I thought it was just us, and brought us closer togetherā€¦until I realized he still had a GF and for many reasons decided to stop. Now not only do I have to be linked to someone who (apparently) cares not one bit about me or my wellbeing, I also feel him having sex with his GF constantly. Iā€™m feeling it right how in fact and its awful. :broken_heart: Especially that he KNOWS I can feel it and just doesnt care.

So yeahā€¦ Iā€™m with you in trying everything to block the energy and connection. I have had the best success at muting things by drawing my energy back to myself. I know it annoys you to hear that, but once I figured out how to ACTUALLY do that I completely get why it works.

I do this by imagining my third eye open and recalling my energy from him, and wherever else it has scattered. I imagine it filling me up, surrounding me and my soul, annd do a self checkup. I think things like ā€œHow do I feel physically today?ā€ ā€œ How am I feelingā€ ā€œ What is something I can do today to make myself happy?ā€. Doing this successfully mutes even the intense sexual energy, for the most part.

But the big trick is you must BELIEVE you are drawing back your energy. Thought = Reality is an important lesson Iā€™ve learned. To believe in your power to handle energy, and trust it will listen.

Everyone has their own thoughts and way of seeing how to do this (one person said they imagine a tree with branches that shield her from his energy), and I can see the practice becoming second nature and easier to do.

Good luckā€¦.big hugs.

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Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you. The thing I struggle with most is finding and keeping the balance. I am always from one extreme to the next. Its been a year and i still havenā€™t grasp the energy balance. I am either "im done. Im taking my energy back . Telling him to energetically go away. Denying, pushing his emotions and energy away. Trying to have a ick towards him. None of it last. Its like the universe punishes me for trying to even attempt to ignore, forget or deny what this is or try to forget him. And then it pushes me to the other extreme which is im letting all his emotions and energy in and it drowns me and im sobbing uncontrollably. I dont know and havent figured out how to balance it. I try something, say acceptance. That kept me sane and some what balanced for 3 weeks. Then there was a shift and i was back to crumbling on the floor sobbing from the intensity of it all. Nothing i try works for long. And i am back to feeling stuck, defeated and stagnant. I do not normally cry this much or sad this often. Not since hes gravitated into my life. Im sad all the time. Its not me .

I am at the gym now but had to sit in the car and cry for 20 minutes before I went in because i noticed he updated his profile photo on fb of a photo of him and his wife. Im pissed cause why the hell should i care? Hes not mine. I am not his. I am happily married to my soul mate and so is he. So i was mad and angry crying cause why the hell does this bother me?! It shouldnā€™t. No matter what i want him to be happy and loving his wife and having a happy and fulfilling life. So why did it bug me? I just wanted my best friend back. It took me months to figure out what we were to eachother and i still like to believe that despite the twin flame dynamic we could make a friendship work. But lately im feeling the ā€œwhat is the point of all this?ā€ I pray, i beg, i talk to God and my spirit guides and ask for help and guidance and for help and what the hell should i be doing. Radio silent. I dont want to live this way. I dont want to care about him. I want to get back to my life. I want to be present with my husband and kids again. I want me back.

Im sorry you feel that sexual energy. Thankfully so far i never have. I think he feels mine though. I have felt sadness wash over me while i make love to my husband.
I have woken up in the middle of the night needing to scream my twins name nd masterbate to him. I dont like it. I dont want this.

Man, Iā€™m so sorry to hear about the pain youā€™re enduring. :frowning: The crying at the gym after a pic post? Totally get. Those moments are the absolute WORST, and so lonely and hopeless. It feels like your very soul is put through a shredder. The fact you wish to return to your spouse and family and find yourself not able to, is pure torture. I can imagine you feel guilty for even having thoughts of your TF. Iā€™m in a complicated situation with my current (on paper only) ā€œhusbandā€ and 4 kids, so I can understand that too a little. I donā€™t want to hurt anyone. I want to make the best choice for my kids and family. And while my spouse and I are in a different situation, I also have no desire to hurt him either. But itā€™s like the Universe forces you to be wrapped up with another. It is unfair, and cruel in many ways. You are so not alone in feeling this.

IMO and experience, you are indeed triggered so hard over and over because people never choose to ā€œdo the internal workā€ until they had reached a place where it was no longer an option. It usually takes several round of hurt to ā€œrock bottomā€. It becomes either find a way out of the pain, or die (internally, otherwise, what-have-you). Itā€™s only then you can assess and pinpoint the exact cause (usually lack of self worth) dealing with this does lessen/cure the intense energy hold over you. It is the only way. Sometimes itā€™s not even healing yourself, itā€™s thinking about the situation from a different light/perspective. For example, you desire your TF to be happy with his spouse, and for you to be happy with yours, but are still triggered. I learned the love felt for your TF is INBORN, and inescapable, because he is YOU in soul. To push him away, is to push yourself away, which creates the energetic negativity you feel. Even though it makes perfect ā€œsenseā€ to push away his energy. Does that make sense? The love I feel for others is completely different. A love for a spouse, for example, is built versus inborn. And itā€™s so hard to reconcile the two in real world life.

The other day, for example, I was triggered by my TF having a GF. I had to accept I felt JEALOUSY, something I didnā€™t realize I pridefully was pushing away from accepting. Such a petty feeling after so much internal work? Impossible! :rofl: But I was indeed jealous. Completely. She had him, when all I wanted was him. So I did some research about jealousy and its origin, and worked on that. It absolutely lessened my pain, and I was able to refocus back on my own self and life. IMO there is no other way but to face what the Universe is forcing you to face. It has been empowering to accept that and proactively do the work.

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Oh man, we gotta be friends lol. I have asked in so many different twin flame groups this past year, asking for help. Begging for help and always getting the same mundane and generic answers from ppl. You are giving me life with your insight and advice. I appreciate you so much and would love to keep in touch. I have no one in my real life i can be this open with regarding navigating this journey. My husband gives me a space to be open and transparent and has educated himself on the topic of twin souls. Depite him being an atheist and not believing in God or souls or anything. But he has tried to understand and love me through my hard days and give me a space to be open. But when i take the time to truly imagine what this must all feel like from his end, i want to run away. This beautiful man watches his wife grieve the loss of another man. He holds me while i cry and say ā€œthese arent mine. Im not sad. These arenā€™t my emotions.ā€ But im feeling it all intensively and sobbing through it as the pain rips through me. My beautiful husband holds me and does his best to ground me. This is my best friend loving his wife through her navigation and grief of this journey and he still shows up for me every day even though i know this hurts him. Realizing all that makes me want to leave and go off and be desolate for ever alone. Its better than hurting him every day. We didnt ask for this. We were happy. We were fine. We had troubles like all couples but we were still good. My twin, this connection robbed me of my husband. Robbed me of me being able to be present and have all my focus solely on him. Robbed me of any sembalance of my old self. I dont want this. I need and want the old me and my old life back ya know? I want to go back to my husband being on my mind 24/7 and he be the focus. Idk how i continue to get up every day and fake it through my life. I just dont understand the point of this connection. Itā€™s ruined every corner of my life. And then he hurts me more by running. And its just a perpetual cycle of grief and depression im stuck in. I want off the ride or atleast the control panel to control the ride.

Im so sorry about your situation with your spouse. Thank you for sharing. Its so hard, especially when you have a family and kids. And my twin and i share in that doing no harm. And not hurting anyone. Staying true and commited to our soul contracts. I just wanted my friend back. Connection. Soul tie or not.

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The more I try to deny feeling jealous or tell myself I shouldnā€™t feel that way, the more intense those feelings become. Itā€™s like theyā€™re demanding to be seen and processed.

I think thereā€™s something really powerful in what you said about the difference between inborn love and built love. That really resonated with me. In my experience, trying to apply the same rules and expectations to both types of love just creates more internal conflict. Itā€™s like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole - it just doesnā€™t work and leaves us feeling more frustrated.

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The spiritual community often tries to bandage wounds that need breathing and healing naturally. Like a broken bone that needs to be reset properly before it can heal, sometimes we need to fully feel and acknowledge our pain rather than trying to bypass it spiritually.

Your perspective on becoming used to the pain rather than eliminating it entirely resonates deeply with Rumiā€™s teachings. This isnā€™t about finding a magical solution itā€™s about developing the strength to carry what cannot be put down.

The journey isnā€™t about escaping the pain but transforming alongside it.

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Iā€™d love to stay in touch :heart: I have no one either. Not a single family member or friend. Itā€™d be nice to just talk about this stuff with someone who gets it, lol.

I can hear the pain and frustration as you describe how awful it is to have the peace you once had robbed from you, and how it affects your entire family :cry: Iā€™m so sorry. I think itā€™s incredible your husband, who is non-spiritual, took you seriously about this and not only looked into it himself, but consoled you as you suffered the incurable heartache of the TF journey. That is true love right there.

I told my ā€œspouseā€ (paper only, abusive) about Twin Flames so he could understand why the love for my TF was unbreakable and there was no point in him trying to get me back. He called me delusional, crazy, need help, and wanted to contact my TF to ā€œwarnā€ him about me believing in this stuff (as theyā€™re friends). Heā€™s since treated the topic (as I bring it up to him now and then only to share stuff I learned on self healing to help him too) with barely concealed anger and disgust.

So yeahā€¦ you got a keeper there, lol. Iā€™m glad you have that support, even though still being in love with your husband makes the TF journey that much harder on you :broken_heart:

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Iā€™ve been there, feeling that overwhelming pain and desperately wanting it to stop. Have you considered that maybe this intense suffering is pushing you towards a deeper healing and self-discovery that you wouldnā€™t have reached otherwise?

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