Felt it’s a good time to tell the story. Help process everything that’s happened at a difficult time. Lots of personal stuff here that requires a TRIGGER WARNING. Stuff about Abuse (crucial to my healing in this journey) and mentions of suicide.
And this will be VERY LONG and probably filled with too many unecessary details. A regular book. 
But getting it ALL out I think is necessary, finally. But there’s still time for you to escape, lol!
PRE-AWAKENING
I grew up with a Narcissistic Dad, and a timid mom who (this is important for later) eventually divorced him to be with a prior love. Unfortunately, that man refused to leave his wife (in separation), which caused my mom to spiral and she took her life when I was 19 (Miss ya, mom 
). I blamed myself for not doing more, or being there enough.
I became lost and pregnant (still only 19) a couple month later by my abusive boyfriend (we’ll just call him The Gun Nut). My son ended up saving me, however. As those early months at home with him refocused my life, and led me back to drawing (I quit in HS due to peer pressure). I got a lead a year later on my first art job to go meet the publisher at a convention. That is where I first heard my TF’s name.
That convention trip was fateful. I met “R”, my future husband, there and took him to the publisher so he could get the art job too. There he mentioned “B” (my TF) , a friend of his, as another artist for the job.
I soon moved to another state to be with “R”, where he introduced me to “B”, and the weirdest sensation happened. First, it felt like the clouds parted when our eyes met, and I saw him “clearer” than the others. Then I thought “UH-OH” 
Because he was soooo handsome! But he was taken. And so was I. And that was that
Unfortunately, my soon-to-be husband began showing his abusive side soon after, which escalated to pushing, dragging, choking…I didn’t know what to do. I had literally no one, and I didn’t know any other treatment. So I stayed.
Meanwhile, “B” started to come over daily, and we’d all hang out. That became my Oasis in the hell I was living through. Being around him felt like “being home” and “R” was always nice to me around him. I quickly stuffed any attraction, as he was engaged, and as far as I knew, never looked at me that way anyway. But every time he left, it felt like something was taken away. Missing
I was later a bridesmaid at “B’s” wedding, and bawled like an idiot in the bathroom so I could smile and wish them well after (which I truly did wish them happiness).
At home, the abuse worsened, but my response was to dig in harder to build a family and became pregnant (I see now, this was Running from facing my situation). It felt like “R” and I were “playing” family, and nothing was genuine. But when he proposed I said yes, because, well, I just didnt know there was anything better for me. I didn’t know that real love did not feel like fear.
We moved away from “B” across the country and for 13 years there was minimal contact, thought “R” stayed in touch with him. In that time “B” ended up divorcing, and then remarried. He chose to remain childless, and his career as an artist flourished (so proud of him still!)
I, on the other hand, was slowly buried alive. My now husband “R”, who at first seemed a very professional, and responsible, ended up being the complete opposite. Please allow me to vent a little here, as I haven’t been able to with anyone. Skip if easily triggered I took on more and more responsibility to compensate. He lied about doing taxes for years, so I took them over. He lied about paying the bills, so I took over. He couldn’t adhere to a schedule so I worked 3 times faster to make enough money. We were so broke, that I was working while in labor, and the day I returned from the Hospital with kids 2 and 3 (and later 4. Yes 4, lol…two I believe were divinely timed, see my other thread) but I felt so uncomfortable with his temper around the kids, I took on most the kids responsibilities while also building my own career. He was a hoarder, so I was responsible for the entire house. All the meals. He lied for years about a porn addiction, which got so bad, he told me he once watched it by driving. 
And on top of it all, the unending verbal, emotional, and physical abuse which escalated to threatening my life, and finally, beating me up once. He was also verbally cruel on a daily basis “Hurry and kill yourself like your mother” and the like. He messed with my mind so much I began doubting my own reality (IMPORTANT later), so bad I didn’t know if I was abused or not!
By 2019 I was completely broken. Exhausted. Burnt Out. A shell of the excited, hopeful, driven person I used to be.
Somewhere in all that time, I heard “B” divorced his second wife. My brain felt a little somersault of hope, but quickly buried it. He’d never want ….this thing I’d become.
In 2021 I’d had enough and we agreed we’d divorce (which later I found out he “didn’t mean it…?) But that’s as far as it went. We were still broke and I couldn’t leave, and was too scared to call for help. He refused to work at times, and I couldn’t do enough work to take care of the kids, bills, shopping, house, at the same time. I felt I was failing everywhere. Trapped. Wanting to die. I’d reached Rock Bottom But then something happened.
I found a tiny spark of “light” inside. I don’t know how else to explain it, but in that moment, I realized I was “good”. I was “worth it” 
. I FELT my true self again. I decided if I couldn’t escape, I would divorce “R” in my soul, and physically, as much as possible. As I did so, I felt free for the first time.
Also importantly, I also got a feeling there was “someone” out there for me. I felt like that my entire life, in a lowkey way. I said out loud “If you’re really out there, please hurry. I need you now”.
AWAKENING
By the time 2023 rolled around, I was completely removed from my husband as much as I could be in house. I learned to placate him to keep his anger away from me and the kids. It was a fragile peace, but it was peace. I Began working on myself, healing a great deal. I got a great art job to focus on. I started to feel like “myself” for the first time. My confidence was rising. Then I had the crazy idea to start a podcast about art with “R”, the only thing we got along talking about. I wanted to practice coming out of my shell to prepare me for leaving, to help me heal that self worth.
My “husband” then suggested “B” coming on the podcast as well. I felt the strangest hope, but squashed it yet again. He was single now, but he’d think I was still “with” his good friend….I had 4 kids, when he didn’t want any. My body was all “used up” and ugly after 4 kids, when he was with young and beautiful women. I saw no reason he’d want me. So instead I focused on relaxing and enjoying his company as a friend once more. This was my starting point mentality in my TF journey.
“B” was just as wonderful and handsome as before. We instantly clicked and began talking like no time had passed at all, and the “home” feeling returned after 13 years. The podcasts were fun and awesome, the three of us getting along so well. Every week I looked forward to seeing him again. One podcast I thought I caught a “look” from him. I rewatched it to be sure. But it wasn’t his usual aloof look. It felt…tender. I thought to myself “ he couldn’t see me in “that” way…. Could he?”
And then it happened. I let myself imagine he actually did, and in that second it felt like a puzzle piece clicked into place, and everything I was and experienced folded together perfectly into one complete piece. Then a massive shock of energy filled my body (I learned later this was a Kundalini awakening). I felt every part of me tingling and alive with energy. The sense of “completeness” overwhelmed me, and I suddenly felt his “energy” meet mine in perfect union for the first time, and it felt like Home 
The beginning of the “bubble” phase.
I hopped up “what the heck is happening to me??” And walked around, but the feeling didn’t wear off for an hour or more. And in that time I also saw revelations into a Universe and possibilities I never thought possible….and was introduced to Source energy…that “God” was real, just different than humans portrayed it. I knew I was forever changed And I also knew…as crazy as it seemed, that I was in love with. “B”… a REAL love I didn’t think possible, and I always had been.
CONFESSION
After several weeks of podcasts, “B” and I began to chat more and more. I felt that same overwhelming sense of destiny, that “this was finally it”. He was even opening up to me more than he ever had. I felt energy that he also “knew”, as least in some way. The sense of “sureness” increased.
Meanwhile, I became terrified “R” would notice the change in me, as I make it a habit to be truthful, I am a terrible liar. I knew I was acting differently and prayed he wouldn’t realize why. Not only would he put a stop to the podcasts, the only way I got to see “B”, but I truly felt “R” would literally kill me to know I was in love with his friend.
Eventually, I decided to confess my feelings to “B”. In life, I abhor living in limbo if my intuition was certain something was “true” or “right”. So I’d leap in and do anything to follow that intuition. So I got him on a video call and said “I think I’m in love with you, and I wondered if you felt the same”.
His response was “Oh!….No.” with a little chuckle
I was crushed. Beyond humiliated. How could my intuition, which always steered me right, be so horribly wrong on something that felt undeniably true. I realized later towards the end of the conversation, he said something like “I don’t know…maybe…” but I was too embarrassed to really hear it.
I also began to wonder if I might be insane. Did all the trauma make me somehow create all the unfathomable in my head?
Afterwards, we kept talking daily. Sometimes very closely. The synchronicities were insane. Numbers all up in my face. Dreams, crazy strong energy. I started to feel crazier, but the feeling of “sureness” never left me. And the love I felt never waivered, only grew.
RUNNER AND CHASER
Even though no one knows who I am, I am very embarrassed to tell this part. But it’s important to tell.
Feeling the closeness, I decided to trust “B” and broach the subject of “R” and how we weren’t “together” for quite some time, and insinuated there was something bad going on that caused it. I was worried he’d see me as a cheater on his friend, which I am VERY LOYAL. And despite all “R” had done to me, I had no intention of even looking at another man for years until after I left. But of course, the TF journey gives you no choice but to love.
At first he asked questions. So I opened up more. Once it became clear I was talking about abuse, he suddenly became flat in response. I thought he didn’t understand, and started explaining MORE, which brought the same reactions. The songs he posted (which undeniably went along with the energy between us) went from romantic, to suddenly judgmental. Insinuating ideas that he didn’t want to be burdened with the info, that he wanted a “relaxed and carefree life”, that I was playing victim, or wanting attention. That I was “too nice” for him or behaving naively. He also seemed to get even closer with “R”. Their friendship flourishing.
Needless to say, I was absolutely destroyed by all of this. This was my first HARD trigger. As I had tried to tell my father once, who also said “I don’t want that kind of drama in my life” and my sister who stopped talking to me afterwards, and instead went to “R” to offer all her support, and trash talk about me. So having my TF (at this point we’re several months in, and had finally come across the term) behave in ALL of those ways destroyed me.
My triggered mind said: Not even my TF cares if I’m hurt. I’m just a burden to him. He’s okay if I’m abused as long as he doesn’t have to hear it. If my TF feels this way about me… maybe “R” was right all along and I deserved it.
My injured self reared up. The sad little mistreated and ignored girl was screaming for help. It was awful. 
I will say, I probably overwhelmed my TF completely by trying to talk to him about serious things, and triggered him to run. It IS a heavy topic, but I was so used to it, it was like taking about the weather. Also the sharing was (w/o realizing) me desperately needing validation that I was, in fact, being abused. That validation would’ve given me so much more strength to face my situation, and get out. Later I realized I needed to stop expecting him me validation, and instead grow my self trust. But it still hurt that he didn’t care….
I also kept him in the loop of my status with “R” as things developed. I wanted him to see how hard I was trying, and understand why I couldn’t just up and leave easily, and how badly I wish I could. I also, thinking “B” was mad at me for hurting “R”, took time to let him know I still cared about the wellbeing of his friend “R”. All of this seemed to make him run harder
So as he pulled away, I chased. Messaging too much, being maybe “too” present. Posting tons of songs of my own. But every time I’d “give up” and go away, he’d reach out, again following the energy precisely. I always felt he’d message before he actually did. We’d have a lovely reconnect. The love energy ebbed and flowed like a tide.
Then, I began to hear from “R” that “B” had a girlfriend and they were getting serious. “B” had told me he had been seeing someone casually, but it wasn’t serious. I was devastated. I just couldn’t understand why he’d turn away from me when so many things told me he felt this thing between us too.
I turned inward, blaming myself for not being good enough. That I was too ugly for him. I started feeling cracks in the newfound confidence I spent over a year building.
Then, about 5 months after that first podcast, something horrible happened.
DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
One night, on my birthday, we had a podcast. Afterwards I fell asleep at my computer, and “R” went through my messages and found out I had feelings for “B”. IT. WAS. TERRIFYING
He was so angry. And shocked. And hurt. I was a pile of apologies. I told him that nothing was going on, and most importantly, that “B” didn’t feel anything for me, and had done nothing inappropriate. I was SO SCARED he’d turn his anger on “B”.
I told him about Twin Flames. How the connection to “B” was an unbreakable one that isn’t just feeble romance. But like he’s the other half of me. I also explained how the focus was my own healing,
“R” called me delusional, crazy, and needed help. He walked back and forth panicked saying he didn’t know what to do, but he wanted to warn “B” I felt this way. I begged him to leave “B” out of it, and there was nothing to warn him about. I was only talking casually with “B” and focused on healing. But he behaved like I was a loon who built a shrine out of “B’s” hair or something 
Later “R” had a chat with “B” about it to clear the air. I was nervous about this. “R” is a self admitted pathological liar, who boasts he can “convince anyone of anything”. And I knew too well the “story” he created about me painted me as a villain, while diminished anything he’s done to me. I don’t know what was said, but I did catch part of the conversation passing by. “R” was telling “B” ways it can be hard to live with me, and shared some private stuff about sexual related things I was REALLY comfortable with. Knowing “R” very well, I realized he was trying to make me look very undesirable.
Afterwards, “R” told me “B” said he would never come near me, whether “R” was in the picture or not. He also denied feeling a connection. This…. Cracked anything good I had been building wide open. “R” told me “B” was very happy with his Girlfriend, and guessed I probably made him feel very uncomfortable all the time with my declarations. He also said I was behaving vain and posing for “B” on the podcasts, which made me MORE embarrassed. (In reality it wasn’t about him, I just loved dressing up again after 10 years for something, was extremely self conscious, and trying hard to see myself as “not ugly”).
It all completely collapsed on me. Due to “R’s” abuse, I easily believed I was actually, 100% crazy and made it all up in my head. And was beyond, omg BEYOND humiliated by how I looked to “B” now. I was heartbroken worse than I ever felt. I was scared that my brain could create something so undeniably real, and didn’t know what to do. “R” came at me with kindness and understanding, saying he’d help me.
Thus began my first DNOTS.
I spent the next couple weeks avoiding “B”, thinking he wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway. I focused on trying to get my head on straight….but the energy never went away. I felt it change to how it feels before we reconnect. And sure enough, we did start talking again. I began meditating, which helped me connect to Source and clear my chakras for the first time. This is what made me believe it was all true again. There’s just NO WAY my brain could make that up!
The podcasts resumed, “R” saying he was okay with it, though I could tell he was very hurt. I felt like a monster. Everything between “B” and I slowly returned to normal, remaining as a “purely friendly” state.
But inside I was broken, and this continued for three months. I saw myself from the outside for the first time and hated what I saw….SO MANY behaviors, big and small, I didn’t realize were toxic, even manipulative. My self confidence was in the toilet. I felt unable to get back up from under the weight of all my horribleness. “R” was also behaving in ways that made me feel extremely guilty for causing him pain, which didn’t help my feelings about myself. I also began to feel…erm…”peculiar” sensations from my Twin. Sexual in nature. Not too intense, but I realized it was him being intimate with his GF Then “R” began getting angry and abusive, but in a low key way. This was very hard as I had everything “peaceful” for so long by placating him. Now he was a threat again.
But the 5D energy from my TF, the fact he still wanted to talk to me, Source energy, and meditation brought me around again. I began to learn to heal my inner child. Traumas that weighted my soul like Marley’s Chains fell away, and I began to feel the energy stronger than ever before. I became more confident and certain in the realness of my experience. I also began to surrender that my TF just didn’t want to be with me, and started focusing on myself instead.
I entered 2024 ready to finally move my life into the right direction. At least…so I thought.
(WILL FINISH LATER!) Thanks for reading! 
** INTERMISSION **
On top of that, our tax return was enough to finally get him to his own place. It was only a piece of paper that said we were married now…so it was time to make certain he understood it was time to file
) But I couldn’t erase the fact my soul was also crying out in pain.
I hope you’ve been doing okay