Hey, everyone! 
It’s been a few months.
First, thanks so much for the replies I hadn’t seen. I’ll be sure to respond more thoroughly once I barf out all my TF drama. Oh yes, THIS WILL BE LOOOOONG. So buckle up, buttercups 
I did finally break the 4th wall and message him directly to ask him if he felt the connection. I’ll post what I wrote and how he responded. I welcome your thoughts on what was said.
So. I took a break writing about things here because I THOUGHT I was spinning my wheels, and I got tired of seeing myself talk about the same things over and over, lol. But things have changed. I believe I’ve “graduated” to the next phase. Just an inner sense. So things were indeed progressing incrementally when I thought they werent.
THE CYCLE
Since I last posted, the cycle of hurting and healing continued but it became FAR more challenging and difficult to handle. The cycle goes:
1- Telepathic sex Energy that I could NOT avoid or stop because his energy was too powerful.. And guys…I $#!# you not, it continued to grow more REAL each time. The last time it happened, I thought a portal might open up or some crap and he’d appear any second. SO REAL!! I also can feel 100x more pleasure than I thought possible with sex. It’s effing awesome, lol.
Alongside the sexual parts, was the incredible Union energy, which also grew in intensity. I have no doubt this is what it is. We literally become one energetic being, connected to divine/sourceI’ve never felt happier or more at peace in my life.
2- Triggered Fear As the intimacy increased, so did my fear, because I felt more in love and attached to him , when he was ignoring me worse and worse, still hadn’t confirmed he felt the connection, or confirmed his dating status. So A) I had no proof it was him I was feelings; and B) I feared he was using me for the telepathic sex and being with his GF too. I mean, IT IS INSANELY ADDICTIVE and as he seems to be a very clearly selfish person, who never showed me empathy or compassion, I was afraid he just didn’t give a crap how I felt and just took what he wanted.
Of course I don’t now what the truth is, and its just my fears talking. But I couldn’t ignore I was being triggered to an extreme.
3- Trying to communicate with him through Private instagram notes AGAIN. Remember, he messaged me once to tell me the stories I was reacting to in my notes wasn’t him sending “secret messages”, so I had stopped. But the sex energy continued and I was so effing scared so all I could think of in my desperation was to keep writing notes on Insta hoping for help and answers.
I told him that I was a “one and only” person, and needed to be loved to have sex. How I just needed to know what was up, if he was single or not, so I could make educated decisions for myself on this. I said I wasn’t looking to try and control his choices or pressure him, just needed him to respect my boundaries, because I already had a lot of sexual trauma.
I apologized constantly for bothering him if it wasn’t true, given he told me the stories weren’t for me. I was so effing careful and spent so much time worrying about how this affected HIS life and trying to make him know I cared.
4- Zero response from him, and the sex energy kept coming harder. He posted less and less songs seeming to be related to me. I eventually realized not only had he restricted me on Insta (which I had previously learned, see my thread about worried about insanity), but I was restricted on FB too (which made no effing sense because I never talk to him on there, or even like his posts). It felt like he thought “I’ll be intimate with you, but I’ll also ignore you, your boundaries, your pleas, and block you from socials… I don’t need to answer to you to get what I want so I won’t” This compounded my fears that I was being used, and I couldn’t escape that situation, or stop feeling that TF love for him.
5- Dark Night of the Soul Alongside the usual triggered fears such as being used, heart breaking, etc, his behavior triggered deeper fears I was insane again, I became increasingly stuck in a horrific limbo where I didn’t know what my reality was.
This was, by FAR, the hardest part of the journey. Yes, the heartbreak is 10/10 awful, but not knowing my truth broke that mold. 100/10 scared. Regardless of what true, I was experiencing someone having sex with me every night, and didn’t know why. I’ll be honest here, I started to feel suicidal because of it. I’ll talk more about that later. Dark night of the soul to the extreme.
I became desperate in those times. Messaged him on Insta notes further begging for an answer. I didn’t care what the answer was anymore, crazy or not. I just wanted the truth. It never came.
6- Breakthrough I’d eventually, through reflection of myself and following the energy, found my way through the issues. And each time, I accepted what was happening was true, and surrendered to it. This began the cycle anew, where I allowed the sexual energy to play out and just enjoy it. Those were the happiest times. It felt like a reward for a job well done.
Repeat cycle. But this last round was the worst I’d experienced, which led to….
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
My mother commit suicide, so I swore I’d never do that to my kids no matter how hard things got. In these past 2 years, I’ve dealt with (all at once!) the TF thing with all the spiritual awakening when I was never spiritual, being constantly triggered at the deepest levels, learning self-healing of my deepest core wounds, and God…the constant, incessant HEARTBREAK. I also was dealing with leaving an abusive husband, the constant fear of him finding out about the sexual stuff and potentionally hurting me badly (remember I’ve been very honest about all the TF stuff with him except that). Constant poverty, worsened by the fact i couldnt freaking work most the night because of the telepathic sex and couldn’t make it stop. This also made it impossible to have my ex move out to his own place because there just wasn’t money enough. Also not to mention being a mother of 4, 3 of which are on the autistic spectrum and are homeschooled. So I had to keep a calm and patient demeanor and a smile on my face the entire time.
I dealt with all of that, and never got suicidal.
But the limbo of not knowing what the truth was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Really effed me up. I was trapped between two different horrible realities.
A) It wasn’t real, and I had severe mental issues (when I feel completely normal the rest of the time when I’m not dealing with the limbo). This also meant I had lost an old friend by messaging him seemingly insane things. The stress of potentional humiliation at such a level, and sadness if true would be hard to deal with. Also came the stress of knowing I shouldn’t move out on my own taking care of 4 kids if I’m THAT crazy, making me feel trapped with a man I was afraid of.
B) It is true, and I was trapped connected to someone not just in my heart and soul, but sexually (because there is just nothing that comes close outside of the telepathic sex. It sorta ruined all other sex) who seemed to not give a flying fig about me..
I was Trappetty Trapped Trapped with no escape.
So these past few rounds I began having the suicidal ideation, imagining it, wondering if there was a way to do it without affecting the kids. I mentioned this in Insta notes, begging him to just let me know if it was real or not. No answer, of course, only a surge of what felt like annoyance from him. But it wasn’t until this final round when I found myself PLANNING that I decided to message him directly. Because it had become a matter of life or death for me. All my inner protections against such a thing were failing. I needed to make certain my kids would still have a mom.
So I messaged him directly about the connection. Something I hadn’t done before. I realized he would likely deny it all no matter the truth. But even a simple NO would get me out of this horrible limbo.
THE MESSAGE
So here is what I wrote, and his response. Remember we had not really spoken much since before August of last year.
I focused writing to him as if the connection wasn’t true, just to be safe.
He has not responded yet. It’s been a few days. While his response broke my heart (be it losing a friend, or realizing my TF is waaay further behind than I thought) I felt insane relief too. I expected to be devastated. But! I realized I had greatly projected myself onto him in the void of his silence, thinking he cared, considered, and empathized with me as I did to him. That he also wanted to grow and heal to get through the journey. Wanted the best for me. But obviously, his uncaring behavior and response, be it true or not, finally repulsed me so much, I no longer really cared what he thought of me. His reiterating he’s not romantically interested made me realize that (despite the fact I had given up chasing romance with him back in Dec of 22 when I realized the journey wasn’t about that, but my healing) because of the sexual experiences, part of me was holding onto the idea that he possibly did love me because that is what sex meant to me, and that is what I felt from him in our connection. I thought, mayb he just wasn’t ready to confront the connection, and therefore made me want to allow the sexual energy most the time just in case he did. I was fine engaging with him without a commitment as long as he was single and held love for me. But now I finally had a clear answer after all that confusion… so I could let that go!
That gave me a great boost in blocking out the sexual energies, which has persisted still (its been 6 days since I sent the message and stopped engaging). But blocking greatly messes with my ability to focus on myself and remain balanced. It also makes me experience a ton of chakra pain and feeling disconnected to Source.
But then, it was like I had a sudden epiphany. I was trying to create a block or sheild myself with my energy, a person who did not know what path to follow to my higher, healed self. Was I meant to keep engaging anyway to lead to more healing (because the telepathic sexual stuff brought about the deepest and most powerful healing) or: had I finally learned all I needed from the experience and could move on? That uncertainty I realized, would make it hard to block it out entirely.
So instead I pulled all my energy “up” towards my third eye and crown chakras, and imagined surrendering to my higher self (which to me is my 8 y/o self) OR Divine (as a white light that “held” me) and asked to guide me down my divine path, because they would know what is best for me. Miraculously, the sexual energies WENT AWAY COMPLETELY!!! Effing relief!!! Finally after 10 months! I was in shock! There was no chakra pain, or unbalance. I felt connected fully to Source, and SO happy. It felt like a reward for making it through this phase, because I tried everything to block this out. It is hard to maintain, though. But with practice I believe I’ll be able to extend it to last longer.
But I’m FREE in so many ways now, guys! For the most part…I still have to deal with the heartbreak that, if the TF stuff is true and it was him I’m engaging with sexually, he’s disrespected the boundaries I have consistently told him about for 10 months Because since he was seeing my Insta Notes, he for sure saw me mention it at some point
If it’s not true, I have to deal with the heartbreak of losing my most treasured friend. For he never cared when I told him about the abuse. Or respond with any ounce of kindness for his “old respected friend” who is seemingly going through something really difficult and could use some friendly compassion. That’s what I would do if the roles would reversed. Actually, I’d pull out all stops to help him, if he needed it.
I also feel some stress over his possible response.
- If he doesnt respond, it offers me no confirmation still, potentially leaving me in that dangerous limbo with worsening suicidal thoughts. I
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If he responds with a NO, I’ll definitely have to stay with my abusive ex (who is seeming far far less dangerous these days at least) to get help and confront the fact that I might be extremely delusional. (But nothing in my search for mental issues to explain this seemed even close to what I’m experiencing, I have more to say on this later on). The only good thing from this response would be all the deep TF love for him would be dropped, and I wouldn’t feel such an attachment to him, or any romantic feeling.
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The best case scenario would be he says YES, I might feel something, but I am not ready to talk about it and need space. In this case I can FINALLY accept it as all real and relax! I’d have a firm, renewed sense of self trust! I don’t think he realizes how understanding I am and only want him to be happy, and will gladly do whatever he needs, even if it meant leaving him alone forever. As for the sexual stuff… I just can’t now knowing he has no love for me. This sucks because I want to and miss it, lol. But I only want to make love, so no way am I going to be some telepathic masturbation tool.
I’ll let you know what happens. But it truly feels like a major shift has occured and a new chapter is beginning. All the hard healing work the past 2 years I can now see the changes they’ve brought, as it lent to me being able to handle this kind of response from him. If I was unhealed still, it would have destroyed me. Instead I feel this new stability of self, confident I deserve better than his treatment. I am truly, truly, grateful for this experience, even though it’s taken me to the brink of suicide at the worst times.
And no matter what, as I’m an artist/writer, the experience of having a TF or being crazy, gives me tons of fodder for cool stories, lol.
Thanks for reading 
