My Strange, Complicated, Twin Flame Story

[anon99473393]

METHOD FOR INNER HEALING WHEN TRIGGERED

I put this in another thread, but in case it’s helpful to anyone, here is one method for healing the inner child, and root causes of trauma. I think this is a pretty traditional way of doing so, but can’t hurt to say it again.

For me some ways I seek the root trauma behind my pain when my TF is just an uncaring jerk (who I still love deeply, of course) are to ask myself:

Q: How does it make me feel (using my own experience as an example) when he doesn’t respond to me, or if he does, is in a hurtful tone or wording?

A: I Feel unimportant to him and misunderstood. If I could just get him to understand, but he doesn’t seem to even listen.

THEN

Q: Have there been other times in my life where I felt unseen, ignored, and uncared for?

A; Yes, my father made me feel that way growing up. I also had trouble with kids in school, friends, and lovers doing the same.

THEN

Q: (Focusing on the father as parents are often the root cause) What is the earliest memory I have of my father making me feel that way?

A: When I was 3, I’d try to play with my dad, but he got angry and dismissive if I tried. My mother said he was quitting smoking and was on edge and to not bother him. I just wanted to play because I loved him, I didn’t mean to be a bother.

THEN

You imagine that memory in as much detail as possible. Stay by your child self, and let yourself feel fully what she’s feeling. Don’t try to hinder or block the pain, which is likely pretty high. Now ask yourself:

Q: “What did I need in this situation, or wished had happened, to make me feel happy afterwards?”

A: “ Love. A Hug. Someone to tell me I’m not a bother, that I’m wanted, and that my dad would play with me if he didn’t have his own issues to deal with. That his behavior was not my fault. Someone to play with.

Then I imagine my present self going to my child self and giving her ALL of that, x10. Hugs, love, taking responsibility for my dads behavior OFF my tiny shoulders. And finally showing her other people would be happy to play.

Done correctly and you allow all the emotions that arise to flow through you, the same situation will bother you less, or not at all, when it happens again, because that root trauma is being healed.

And truly, when you look at your child self a separate person… is that little girl TRULY a bother? Does she deserve to live the rest of her life thinking she is? I guarantee the answer is; NO.

I also have a mirroring excercise for when TF triggers occur, if interested

[anon99473393]

Hey again. I’m just processing all the emotions that are bubbling up and need a space to talk.

Still no response. I don’t think he will.

So I was thinking more on the fact he said he wasn’t romantically interested, and what that could possibly mean if he is my TF. And I just realized, for 10 months I’ve been intimate with someone who doesn’t love me like I thought. And doesn’t seem to even respect me

When he said “I told you early on that I wasn’t romantically interested and that it was clear and that was enough”…..somehow I think he convinced himself telling me that one time years ago was enough. Well, pardon me, I had already accepted he didn’t want me 10 monthso ago and tried to avoid him because of the pain of his dating others, but I MAY have become a smidge confused when we’re suddenly having extremely intimate sex each night filled with love energy. I MAY have been even more confused, when I asked him repeatedly to not do it unless it was for love….and he kept on coming for more. He had a repsonsibility to communicate once the intimacy began because that changed things drastically between us, and he chose not to.

And If he saw ANY of my notes, then he for sure saw me begging for communication, and relaying my fears and pain too. And how did he respond? Ignore and avoid me more. Then send cold-ass messages that paint me as some crazy stalker lady who just wants a relationship with him and was nuts for reading into his stories. How in the world did he not see my pain, and confusion, and not want to help? Be it he is my TF or if all untrue, my friend?

Same thing with his one, short , even colder-ass message he sent months ago about how his stories were not for me. Yes, I accepted they werent for me after he said so, but as the sexual energy kept coming, and my pleas for information STILL went unanswered, I grew so desperate I sought information anywhere I could find it, even in stories again. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. How can he not understand what he was putting me through when I told him repeatedly point blank? How could have have zero compassion for any of it?

Then I realized, my instincts told me he DID know exactly how I felt, but he kept on anyway. I kept pushing that instinct down in these 10 months because it was too horrific to accept, and I couldn’t imagine he could be so cruel. My instinct also said he knew he could deny (lie) if I ever accused him of this, and that he’d remain “safe” under the story he thought “telling me once was enough”. I believe he knew if he told me the truth, I would’ve stopped. And he didn’t want that to happen, because it feels so effing incredible and is insanely addictive. Why wouldn’t he concoct some easy story for himself where he could keep enjoying the benefits without facing me or the difficult emotional situation surrounding it all?

And now? Our connection deepened SO much through this experience, I can’t stop feeling him when he’s sexual with others. And since I’m the one in love, I get to have my heart torn apart every single time because I can’t un-love him, while he feels nothing. And it’s soooo much more painful that he doesn’t care about the damage and pain he’s caused. He knows I’ve been abused for my entire adult life and was trying so hard to heal it so I can move on in my life, and if this is true, he’s harmed me in far deeper ways than my husband ever did.

BUT….I do realize I could be completey I wrong with this assessment. It could just be the pain talking. I also do NOT think he intended to hurt me. I think he was struggling in his own way on his side with this. I am his long time friends ex-wife. That alone provides several reasons why having intimacy with me he couldn’t stop wanting would make him behave the way he is, and possibly convince himself what we were doing “didn’t matter’ or “wasn’t real”. I have compassion for him, and I’ve already forigiven him, because I know how brutal the TF journey can be. But I will always hold him acocuntable for what he’s done.

Other than that, I am happy that despite this horrible new reality I have to get used to, (that my TF never was in love with me while I am. That 10 months of the most incredible, earth-shattering intimacy with my True Love, was just him treating me like a sex toy,) the entire experience forced me to heal SO MUCH, that I feel confident I can handle it in a healthy way. My biggest struggle is still not knowing what is real. That will be a huge, dangerous battle for me going forward, and all he has to do to relieve me of that torment is to give me a simple YES or NO if he feels the connection. But he won’t even do that.

Finally, I feel so stupid for wanting our intimacy back so badly when I know he doesn’t love me. I felt love though, and so close to him, and myself during it. I miss the Union energy it brought. The bliss and happiness. And if he’d just send me confirmation if he did love me and was single, I could just relax and let the rest of our TF journey play out while also being intimate with him. But you can’t make someone love you, I guess.

Thanks again to any who read this. I’m gonna go cry for a bit now.

[eunichick]

Thank you as always for sharing your story, @anon99473393. Always so raw, vulnerable and honest.

I’m really curious. At the beginning of your friendship and communication with your Twin, has he ever been flirtatious or vaguely expressed any sort of feelings/attraction to you? And if he never has, how did you come to the conclusion that he is your Twin? Just asking because so many of us, me included, often question whether someone is our Twin or not. I am in awe of your conviction despite not have any real “evidence”. Would love to hear about your journey more

[anon99473393]

Hey, you! How are you?

It began when I was watching a podcast we had done together. At the time I was working hard on building myself up to heal and leave my husband. I had ZERO desire for romance ever again (all men treated me badly). He had always just been a good friend, and never considered it ever being more than that, as he’s also my husbands good friend. But suddenly when I looked in his eyes,I had a Kundalini awakening (I didn’t know what it was at the time), it was like lightening struck me. All the puzzle pieces that always felt scattered fell together, with him at the center. All the TF feelings of his energy, and unconditional love rushed forward. I felt connected to Source/Divine/Universe for the first time. I was freaked out, of course. It came out of nowhere! And for him? I’d never even dare think of him that way.

After that, it was a ton of occurences I couldn’t explain. And it took quite a while before enough things piled up, and logic failed to explain it, that I decided something was indeed going on. Such as, I’d think of (ie) Terminator one morning, and later that day he’d post about Terminator. I’d wake up singing a song I hadn’t thought of in year, and he’s later post that very song. On Messenger, I always felt a rush of “Knowing” right before he popped up online. There would be time when we’d go days without talking, but suddenly we’d both message eachother at the same exact time. It was freaky! And the dreams, the dreams the dreams! They were so real, and the next day he’d post something related to my dream (like IE if I dreamt of a helicopter, he’d post a helicopter that day) or he would begin talking about something I dreamt about without me telling him about it. When I started feeling sexual energy from him at certain times, I’d find out his GF was visiting that day. Whenever I felt those strong emotional energies come out of nowhere, I’d find out something happened to him at that same exact time that would elicit the same feeling I felt. When we were messaging eachother, sometimes the energy would get so intense, and he would stop typing when it happened, and resume right after it went away. And despite him denying songs were for me, there were so many times I’d be having strong feelings about something, and he’d post a song about that very topic. Or, I’d post a song myself relaying my own feelings, and then he’d post one that answered it. There were several strange little things that occured in our podcast the we did weekly for the 8 months of this too. And If I ever went missing for more than a few days, he’d always message following growing anxiety feelings from him.

By the time last August rolled around, I had long accepted he was running and I needed to move on, or even that it all might not be real, and stopped messaging completely. A week went by, and the energy from him got more stressed and stressed but I was so heartbroken I stayed away. Suddenly, that sexual energy became WAY MORE REAL. Then over the next couple weeks, it began feeling directed towards ME. That’s when things went really crazy. As it strengthened, I realized he would never post and went offline “during”, and often posted immediately afterwards, often with things that seemed directly related to what just happened in very specific detail. When I came back to messenger, he suddenly would go offline, which he never did before. That began what seemed like avoiding me on messenger, even though we hadn’t been talking, and this was before I got desperate and took to those Insta notes that seemed to bother him so much.

Related, his recent cold responses might seem to be a big clue as well. Because he’s SO cold and SO uncaring towards me, and we were pretty good friends before. I hadn’t been talking to him, and I hadn’t said anything in my notes that would make him behave that way. It just seems completely out of character for him.

Another big thing, is all the expedited deep triggering and healing that has occured, and the deepening sense of being connected to Divine/Universe, all happened exactly how the TF process is said to unfold. And the past 10 months were even more intense with the triggering and healing that it was before. And nothing, no mental illness, no other spiritual thing, described what I was going through except the TF concept, which was precise.

There’s a lot more stuff, but yeah… none of it was PROOF either way. I also did everything to try and prove it was all untrue, desperate for any answer, and to feel like I wasn’t going ot be trapped in cycles of pain forever, but that has never come either.

But mostly the recent conviction and intensity you see was borne from this sexual experience. There’s just nothing at all that could explain it other than telepathic TF intimacy to the extreme. And finally, there is that deep, inescapable, unconditional LOVE that I never knew exisited, and could not stop, no matter how badly I wanted to get away from it all.

[anon99473393]

Just realized I didn’t post the entire conversaton. There was a missing bit from me (the second part) . When I first messaged him, I asked him about the connection, point blank.

His response seemed to deftly sidestep that question. He’s always been a clever lil minx like that

So I clarified and asked AGAIN. Now he won’t reply. I guess to me that is just strange, to avoid answering a simple question, yes or no. Also, I had sent him a couple emails a long while ago that said the same things, which seems he’d more likely see than the Insta notes. So he VERY CLEARLY KNOWS I’m asking about a spiritual connection, not a mere romantic one.

If he is NOT my TF, and If I’m such an old respected friend (remember we’ve been friends going on 20 years now, and we were all pretty close, my husband, B and I early on and during the podcast we had together when this all began), and that friend clearly just wants to know so she can take care of herself, it’s so odd to me he wouldn’t just answer… unless it WAS true and he didn’t know how to deal with that.

If True and he is my TF, I’m SO grateful he’s not outright lying to me and saying he doesn’t feel it. Gives me hope for reconciliation, one way or another, eventually. My ex is a pathological liar, so that would’ve been a massive red flag to me. However, I also believe ommitting information is also deceitful, but given how hard the TF journey is, I have compassion for why he did.

Also just realized, I’m being WAY overly apologetic, which is a thing I’ve always done that I’m trying to remedy. So I read too much into stories, and he saw (he says) just a few of my notes. Big whoop. Hasn’t he ever made a mistake before? I AM sorry it bothered him and the TF thing isn’t true, but even then, I believe he heavily disresepcted me as a friend by ignoring my question twice given how I expressed how important it was to me, and being so cold. You’d just have to know how he was beforehand, and how careful I’ve been in our communication. Makes no sense. As well as how I got ONE small message about his stories, before he cut me off completely. 20 year friendship! Poof! Really??

And of course if it IS true…I would NOT be so sorry for reading too much into his stories and leaving notes now and then, and I’d be SO upset if he somehow judges me because of it. Because he knew how I felt about him, and would’ve known I was struggling for answers, hurting, and getting desperate with all this sexual stuff, and HE chose to leave me in that place, but continue to come towards me intimatly, knowing what it meant to me. To expect me to somehow behave perfectly, or just sit back and let the intimacy happen without trying to figure out what as happening to me….is frankly ridiculous.

I don’t think I’ll follow up again to ask. I think twice is enough, He’s an extremely fearful, avoidant person who doesn’t take risks of any kind. To do so again would be me pushing him too hard into an uncomfortable place and he might lie to “protect” himself (from what, dude? I’m leaving you alone even if you acknowlege the connection) as well as push me into chasing energy again (I’ve learned to recognize it).

Thanks again for your thoughts!

(here;s the missing part)

[eunichick]

Thank you for sharing as always.

I feel if anything. You can lead the cow to water, but you cannot force the cow to drink. If he isn’t aware of your connection, I don’t think anything you explain will convince him otherwise. It’s a hard concept to grasp when you aren’t aware of what it is

At least his response sounded kind and stoic. He wasn’t blaming or saying anything unkind. He’s speaking his truth about what he feels the situation is. I don’t know if he will respond further, but if he doesn’t, do you still speak to him on a friend level at all? I don’t know if giving it some time and keeping the communication lines open will help at all seeing as you two use to be such good friends.

I guess with your situation, only time will tell. I’m glad you’ve found your own place of peace Keep us updated

[anon99473393]

Thanks for commenting! Well, I done tried my hardest to lead this horse (or rather, my Tiger ) to water, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to drink, lol. Die of dehydration, then! See if I care (I do)!

I’m all done trying to reach him. I’ve NOW done all I possibly can, and to keep trying would just be silly. Now that I’m learning to block the sexual energy (or at the very least put up a good fight, lol) it gives me more of a sense of control over my situation if I feel uncomfortable, which relieves much of the desperation behind trying to reach him in the first place. Because at times I WAS uncomfortable and I COULDN’T make it stop. I loved the experience every time of course. It’s just… complicated. Lol.

But if he doesn’t respond, my biggest worry is the Universe is now going to make me face my fear of becoming my mother. My instinct is telling me this is one of the “last major levels” of healing left. I find it incredible (and horrifying) how perfectly the Universe custom designed my entire journey to wrangle me into this specific place. Normally I’m quite strong willed, decisive, and take action. Its how I survived everything in my life before. So being forced into a place where I can’t do those things as there is ZERO real proof either way (after two years of my meticulous, methodical problem solving skills, lol. Bravo, Universe.) is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with… that sense of having no control over my life or even my own body. It’s soooo much scarier and harder than any heartbreak my TF could give me. I can only hope the Universe has mercy on me here, as I’m not sure I can hold up. But… when has it ever before

Of course I’ll be friendly if he ever wants to talk again. I still love him very much, be it in the Unconditional TF way, or just as a friend. I’m not one to hold grudges, and living in forgiveness and compassion is what I’ve always chosen since I was a child, so it’s second nature to do so. But if he knows where I am mentally right now and ignores me still?…well, that will be quite the challenge for me to forigve.

I find it interesting you see his response as kind and stoic, as I see it as completely cold and uncaring after everything we shared inimately, or even just if he’s a friend of 20 years. It gives me something to consider, as I’m certain my past trauma paints a lot of his behavior as like the many Narcissistic people I’ve had in my life. But perhaps that is just how he communicates? No emotional frills (whatsoever… lol). Just so weird to me because I’m one big ruffle dress of emotional frills Perhaps I need to trim down on mine and he needs to add some to his.