I met her 5 years ago, we were instantly close and the first night we talked (from Twitter during covid) she told me she felt like we will always be one in the other’s life. At the time, she was dating someone else, but not officially yet. We eventually met, we kissed but i told her i didn’t want her to had two feet in one shoe, i felt guilty for the other girl too. She told me the relationship with me was so intense she was afraid, and the other was just a testing ground because she had a bad relationship before. Just after we met she decided to be official with the other girl….. We tried to remain friends but i couldn’t stand the pain of it. 3 long years of separation passed, I carried feelings for her while she was in a relationship with another person. I was deeply in love but constantly felt second-best, not enough. That period shaped my self-worth in a way… I watched her from a distance, quietly hoping, silently hurting. I never dated anyone else. Sometimes she sent me signals she was still thinking about me, sometimes we talked and it was very very intense…Even though we weren’t together, those years left marks on me that followed us into our relationship later, because of the grip she was keeping on me and the suffering of “waiting”. I worked on myself and did a lot of meditation about us too. We thought we were twin Flames because of our really strong feelings and relationship.
Eventually, i was starting to surrender to the unknown, when she came back, in 2023. She told me she had never stopped thinking about me. That moment was overwhelming, like finally being chosen, staying with her in the truth of our love. I was okay in that Moment of my life, my mum had breast cancer right before her come back and i was a bit upset, but it went well so I was feeling okay.
Finally we entered into a relationship that held so much beauty, passion, right what we deserved. We had an intense emotional connection, shared dreams, and a sense of finally finding home in each other. Sexual life was so intense and beautiful, i loved (and love) her so much.
Underneath the love, there were unresolved wounds of course. The dynamic between us often became tense, especially when it came to trust. I frequently felt like I was walking on eggshells, having to constantly prove my feelings. I felt accused even when I wasn’t guilty. At times, I felt scrutinized even though I loved her deeply. But she told she was just scared, that it wasn’t about me. We felt like being together was the best thing in the world
Then, in the middle of this, I experienced an immense loss: the death of my aunt, she was like my second mum. The grief was consuming. I spiraled into a deep depression, a fog of dissociation and derealization. I wasn’t myself, I barely recognized the world around me. I stopped being present, even in our relationship.
She tried, in her own way, to be there, but we both struggled. Our arguments became heavier, even about “stupid” things and I couldn’t communicate the chaos inside of me. I lost every friendship i had during grief because i was feeling like i was someone else, like i was carved by my suffering. I craved relief, clarity, escape. And then… I made the worst decision of my life. I cheated on her. Something i never thought i could do. During separation i never dated anyone, and now??
The betrayal wasn’t born from a lack of love, quite the opposite. It came from pain, confusion, a desperate need to feel something different than the numbness and shame that had become my daily companions. And even if I thought of it, I didn’t want to leave her, I wanted to fight for us, in the suffering i was feeling. In the act, I analyzing it, I think I momentarily stepped out of the overwhelming pressure I felt: to be strong, to be her protector, to never fail her. But that left destruction in my life.
I lied. I dissociated. I buried the truth under layers of fear and guilt. I barely remember the things i did because it was like someone else was acting. But eventually, I confessed, in december. I wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt, i couldn’t do it anymore. And with that confession, everything shattered.
Some ex friends of mine talked to her about me, so she discovered other things that made her angry, like things I said that she asked me not to. It was and it is the worst moment of my life. In january i attempted suicide for the guilt i felt, i’m sorry for this because i unintentionally put weight on her (in her past relationship her ex threatened to kill herself/ attempted so even if I didn’t threaten her it triggered some of her wounds of course), and I think things got even worse after my suicide attempt, i felt even worse too.
We eventually began couple’s therapy. We tried to understand, to unpack, to survive what felt unsurvivable. But healing is not linear. Some days felt like progress, others like reliving the fall. I entered a psychiatric clinic 4/5 weeks ago because of my suicide thoughts. We decided to take a break of 10 days because she felt the need and felt better doing it when I am safe in a clinic, because she told me she feels the weight of my life on her…
When the pause finished, speaking at the phone she told me that right now she no longer sees a future with me or with anybody else, that she can’t feel hope or desire to build anything ahead or to do good things for me. She said she felt humiliated, used, and lost. That being with me reminds her of trauma. She told me that she needed and needs the detatch from me, because of her anger, she is afraid to get together with me and want to take revenge on me. And that maybe we have to continue individually for a while, but that we could see eachother when i exited the clinic to talk about what to do… and to do another therapy session to talk about these things.
I felt like I lost her all over again. And I don’t know if I can get her back. She told me that she doesn’t want to lose me in general, she wants me in her life forever (she hopes and me too), regardless of everything, and that if it is destiny that we are meant to be we will find eachother. But i am afraid that maybe we have to do more, but i can’t force her. And i fear she will find somebody else and that I will be suffering for this and waiting and all that for all my life, waiting to have her back like in 2020…
But I do know I love her, not in a perfect, romanticized way, but in a real, human way. I feel like I failed her. I know we hurt eachother, but I also know we’ve grown together.
Sometimes i wish my aunt had never died even for all this i went through but unfortunately it happened and I was traumatised by it. If someone doesn’t experience certain things they can’t understand them, things such as grieving. I feel really hopeless, in general. I feel like I am unworthy of love for What I did, that I will never find friends or love anymore in general, that I don’t deserve it. I feel horrible aesthetically and inside. I hate my body and myself so much, i feel i hurted so many people and I feel disgusted for What I did. my mental Health is the worst. Two weeks ago, when i exited the clinic, We met to talk and she told me that wants to stop couple therapy and broke up with me. She told me she can’t think about this suffering everyday and waste her youth or possibility of other relationships… this hurt me a lot but i accepted of course. Now we are in separation again. I doubt my journey, i feel and i am alone, i feel the worst. What do you think? Thank you
to you